My letter to July.

Dear July,

I understand you will be coming to visit me soon. I have mixed feelings about this, because your friend June is currently here, and let me tell you, she has NOT been pleasant. I might even go so far as to say she is quite possibly the worst house guest I've ever had. A lot of crappy things have occured since June got here, including, but not limited to:

-I got a temperature of one million and three degrees.
-I had to run 20 miles per hour to catch a train that was about to leave me behind. Twice.
-I had the pleasure of having my job suck all the joy from my life.
-I went crazy.
-I had to be away from family and friends on my birthday.
-I destroyed my bedroom in a fit of rage.
-I had to help a stupid bitch plan her April 26, 2008 wedding.
-The migraine from Hell infiltrated my life, and hasn't left yet....
-My mom accidentally sprayed me with mase.

July, these are just a FEW of the shitty things that have happened to me since June's arrival. And she's still here! Oh man, I cannot WAIT for her to leave.

I'm hoping we can have a better time than June and I did. You will be here for approximately 31 days, and I'm trying to plan some really great activities for us to do together. So please hurry, because if I have to look at June for another day I will stab myself in the eye.
Your friend,
g.
P.S. Don't forget to bring your bathing suit!

Make Lemonade.

Look, I know I just blogged less than 24 hours ago. So sue me.

Life itself never ceases to amaze me. Last night I talked to God for over an hour before I realized he wasn't listening. I guess he had other more pressing issues to attend to, which is fine. I feel like I'm at the lunchmeat counter at Giant, and you have to take a number to be helped. Well, I've taken my number, and now I am waiting not-so-patiently for my help.

Or maybe He WAS listening, which is why I'm able to wiggle my fingers and toes today.

Either way, I woke up this morning. I walked outside and took and deep breath. It's a beautiful day. It's sunny and warm. Life is here. It's all around me.
There are butterflies in the front yard and squirrels in the backyard. I don't really like squirrels, though. One time they invaded my house and moved all of their squirrel belongings into my attic and tried to have a party. My dad chased them around with a beebee gun. I'm getting a little off topic here, sorry about that.

My point is that I am here. I was granted another day on this rotating ball we call Earth. I think sometimes we lose sight of the fact that tomorrow is not promised to us. So in the time that we are here, we should learn to make the best of our time. And when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

I think I'm going to write a book. It will be the "Autobiography of Gretchen". It probably won't be a bestseller, but who cares? Not everyone will want to read the story of my life, but I believe that once you pick up the book, you won't be able to put it down. I have seen many things and had many life experiences in the time that I've been around. And who knows how long I'm going to be around for? If I live to be 97, that equals 35,405 days of utter excitement. Cause let's face it; it's never a dull moment around here. Of course, it would not be published until after my death, so I wouldn't be able to see if anyone actually READ the book, but once again, who cares? No one could read it, for all I care. It would be own little accomplishment. And if you don't wanna read it, screw you. I probably talked trash about you in it anyway.

That's my thought for the day. I'm going to move my blog soon to an undisclosed location. If anyone actually reads my rantings, let me know, I'll give you the link.

Trudge forward, earthlings!

Top 10 reasons to move to Egypt.

1. The Nile. A beautiful river.
2. The pyramids. Providing lots of places for Gretchen to get lost.
3. That crazy walk those Egyptians got goin' on. I heard someone even wrote a song about it!
4. Sahara freakin' desert. Sure it's hot, but so is Pennsylvania.... right?
5. Hieroglyphics. It's always fun learning a new language!

I couldn't think of ten reasons.... so I just included five. Ahhh, fuck it.

Th-th-th-that's all, folks!

Hello little girl, is your mother in?

Sometimes things happen to me that are a little out of the ordinary, and I wish that there was someone to witness the madness as it occurs. But once again, in this case, there were no witnesses.

Last weekend I heard a knock on my front door. My parents were upstairs and didn't hear it, so I went into the living room and looked out the window. Usually it's a random friend of mine who doesn't know how to use a cell phone and decides to just stop by, which is fine. But this time I didn't recognize the car, but I opened the door anyway.

It turned out to be a guy who was dropping some papers off for my parents, which is a pretty normal scenario. He said, "Hello miss, are Mr. or Mrs. Hunsberger in?" Now, my parents REALLY don't like to be bothered with such things, and talking to people in the outside world is not my mothers strong suit, so I said, "No, unfortunately they are not." (There were like,7 cars in my driveway at the time, so of course he didn't believe me, and I didn't really expect him to). So he says, "Oh, are you their daughter?" I stated that I was indeed their daughter. He looked at me with despair on his face, like he really was distraught about something. So he thinks for a minute, and then finally, he says, "Well, I suppose I can leave these papers with you... but I can only leave them with an adult." So he looks at me with a look that you would give a little girl who is about to receive a very important task, such as feeding the doggy. And he says to me, in an I'm-speaking-to-a-5-year-old voice, "Are you at least 18?"

I guess it just kinda took my by surprise. I was so surprised, in fact, that I started laughing hysterically. Right in his face. I managed to stutter, "I'm 24...." and he just looked at me like I couldn't POSSIBLY be telling him the truth. Now I know I don't quite look my age, and I am only 5'2'.... but still, 18? He wasn't even sure if I was 18! I could see MAYBE if he had said it in such a way as to verify that I was "a legal adult", but that was not the way he said it. He honestly did not know if I was 18 or not. It's not like I came to the door holding a Polly Pocket toy and wearing a Burger King Kid's Meal hat with a lollipop hanging outta my mouth. I was wearing my 24 year old clothes and speaking in my big girl voice.

So anyway, I obviously embarrased him and he handed me the papers and drove away. It was a great time, and it was the highlight of my day. Just thought I would share that story since my 25th birthday is almost upon us.... hey, let's get together and celebrate!

Now there's something that doesn't happen everyday.

So this morning, on my way to work, I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. It's nothing new to me, it happens every day. It was a little more ridiculous today, though. I'd say traffic was backed up for about a mile or so, just one continuous line of cars, just sitting. People listening to music, doing their makeup, smoking their cigarettes. Nothing really out of the ordinary.

I was minding my own business when the guy in the car in front of me got out of his car and starting walking toward my car. I thought to myself, "Is he coming over here? Do I know him? He can't possibly be coming to MY car."

Well, he was. He stopped at my drivers side window and motioned for me to roll it down. So what do I do... do I shake my head and look the other way? Do I roll down the window and possibly meet my impending death? I only have a split second to decide. So I roll down my window.

He's a tall guy, can't be over the age of 33. He's wearing a weird hat, the kind you would wear if you were going ice fishing. And he's driving a BMW.

So he says to me, "Hi! I know this is kinda weird, but... can I borrow your cell phone? I left mine at home and I didn't expect this much traffic and I'm running late for a doctor's appointment. I threw my back out and I have an 8 o clock appointment. There's no way I can get to King of Prussia by 8! I'd like to call my doctor to see if he still wants me to come in."

So, again, what do I do... do I say no, tell him that I don't have a cell phone when it's sitting so obviously next to me in my passengers seat? Do I let him use the cell phone and pray he doesn't kill me? I handed him my cell phone.

He said, "Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!" And he stood next to my car while he called the doctor. In the meantime, I am thinking about many things... I'm thinking about how I should have gotten that damn mase for my keychain like I always planned to. I'm thinking that if he WERE to kill me, there would be WAY too many witnesses. We're in the middle of a traffic jam, for christ's sake. And I'm at the bottom of a hill.... so everyone behind me is witnessing this as it is taking place. He wouldn't dare kill me here, would he? Maybe he's planning on kidnapping me.... I'm memorizing his license plate number just in case.

His doctor doesn't answer, so he leaves him a message. He says, "Thank you sooo much! I really appreciate it!" I say, "You're welcome." He hands me my cell phone, and then asks me, "What do you think I should do? Do you think I should try to make it into King of Prussia? My doctor's office is right next to the Radisson." I tell him that once he gets onto 422 he should be fine. I quietly note the fact that he doesn't look like someone who just threw his back out. Then again, I don't know anyone that has thrown their back out, so how the hell am I supposed to know what that looks like? He says he's going to head to King of Prussia, thanks me for the cell phone again, and gets in his car.

So I figure everything is cool, and I'm safe. He's just a guy. Forgot his cell phone. Happens to the best of us. While I'm thinking about all of this, my cell phone rings and startles the shit out of me. It's my co-worker Jenna, letting me know that she also is stuck in traffic, and as it turns out, she's about 10 cars behind me. I decided not to mention what has just occurred... I'll wait until we actually get to work. Whenever that may be....

We move a few feet and stop again. I'm listening to that damn fergalicious song, rocking out, when I notice BMW guy getting out of his car again. Oh no. Here comes my death.

He comes over to my window, and I roll it down. He says, "I'm so sorry, this must seem really weird to you!" No kidding. "Could I borrow your cell phone one more time? It's after 8 and I think my doctor might be in the office by now." So once again, I hand him my cell phone. Just then, traffic starts moving, and he's now a good 3 car lengths behind the car in front of him. He says, "Do you mind if I get in my car with your cell phone, and move up a few feet so people don't start honking?" At this point, I figure, he's not going to steal my cell phone. And even if he did, where the hell is he gonna go? There's no side streets, no other lanes, nowhere to go. He's stuck in traffic, just like me. So I say, "Go ahead." He gets in his car, moves up, and parks it. He gets back out and hands me my cell phone. "The doctor told me to go ahead and come in. Thank you so much again, I wish there was something I could do for you!" I tell him it's no problem, as I'm thinking to myself, "Just don't kill me." We start moving again, and as we merge onto 422 and start moving at an actual normal pace, he sticks his hand out his window and waves to me. I watch him as he gets off at the King of Prussia exit.

So as it turns out, he's just a guy. He forgot his cell phone. He really was appreciative. Would I ask a complete stranger if I could borrow their cell phone? Probably not, but if I did, I would hope that a person would be like I was, and let me borrow it. Because I know I would be appreciative.

So, here is my in depth question of the day: Is it wrong of me to think that a random guy would want to kill me? Is it because I am a female, and females are taught that guys are bad, and they all want to rape and kill you? Is it because we are taught not to trust strangers, even though a "stranger" could really just be a person in need, like me or you? Is it because every time I look at the news some guy is killing a girl my age?

When he first approached me, I thought of every single thing I had ever been taught about defending myself. I was taught to scream loudly when being attacked, I was taught to knee a man in the groin as hard as possible, and when he bends over in pain, run away. I was taught that women should carry mase on them, all the time, wherever they go.

Nobody ever taught me to trust a stranger. It's just something you don't do. But apparantly, there ARE just a few trustworthy people left, and it's a shame that we lump them in with the rest of the trash that's out there.

So to the guy who borrowed my cell phone this morning, I hope your back feels better really soon. And thanks for not killing me, because then I wouldn't have been able to write this awesome blog about you and speak about the tragedy of humanity.

Corporate America at it's finest.

It amazes me how human beings speak to each other. Whatever happened to "treat others the way you want to be treated"? I guess that tired old saying went right out the window, huh?

Why am I ranting? Let me give you some insight as to what I go through every day.

I work in a shared office space environment. I answer the phones for about 40 companies, so yeah, it can get busy. Our building is secure, which means that you need a special key to get into the facility. This key will also let you into your personal office, (but only yours, of course, since each key is coded with your own private number). So basically, if you forget your key at home, your screwed.

This happens to people more than I care to talk about, so I'll just share one incident with you.
This morning Mr. Big Wig decided he was going to bring a different car to work, and his keys were on his other keychain. So he came to my desk and demanded, "I need another set of keys because I brought a different car and my keys are on my other keychain". I tried to explain to this gentleman that it will take 4-5 hours to make him another key (since we have to call someone to do it, we can't just do it ourselves), but that I would look around to see if I could find him a spare in the meantime. This, of course, is NOT good enough for Mr. Big Wig. He looks at me with disgust and says, "You can't just lock me out of my OFFICE!"

I would like to bring it to everyone's attention that I, in fact, did NOT lock Mr. Big Wig out of his office. He's the asshole that makes so much damn money that he can afford to drive a different car to work every day of the week if he wants to, which is a wonderful thing, good for him if he's in that position. But along with that position, you don't receive the authority to treat people below you with such disregard that it makes me physically ill. I did not forget your keys this morning, you did that all by yourself. Do you want me to call you each morning and say, "Good morning sweet pea, do you have your keys this morning? Do your socks match? Do you need me to come over and tie your shoes for you?"

Mr. Big Wig is only one of the people that I have the joy of seeing each day... like I said, 40 companies equals 40 Mr. Big Wigs, each thinking that their "emergency" is top priority. I get screamed at, shit on, and blamed for other people's mistakes daily. After hearing all of this, my friends and family often say, "So why are you still there?!?!?!"

Monetary compensation, my friends. They pay me well to get shit on everyday, and I'm part of a decent bonus program. Which makes me better than you. Shine my shoes, bitch!

Something borrowed, something blue.

That's right kiddies. I'm getting married.

As the fiance and I have been starting to plan our wedding, I've been doing some research on weddings and wedding traditions. And man, did I find some interesting ones. If anyone cares, read on.

Chinese tradition states that couples should marry on the half hour, when the hands of the clock are moving up toward the top of the clock, so you begin your new life together on the upswing.

In mexican tradition, the groom hands the bride 13 gold coins during the ceremony to represent his ability to support her. I don't know about you, but that doesn't seem like a whole lot to me....

Us german brides carry salt and bread on our wedding day to symbolize good luck and wealth. During the ceremony, when the couple is kneeling on the altar, the groom puts his knee on the bride's skirt hem to show that he'll "keep her in line". When they stand up, though, the bride will stomp on the grooms foot to show him who's boss.

As for you italians, after your wedding the locals will bring their cakes and baked goods into the street to your car as you drive past their houses on your way to the reception. Lucky bastards.
Greeks have so many traditions, there is not enough time for me to talk about all of them. A greek couple will wear crowns on their heads, symbolizing that the marriage is nobel, and the couple will now begin their dynasty together. They will exchange these crowns three times during the ceremony. They then walk around the altar table three times. They also exchange their wedding bands - you guessed it - three times. At the reception, you break dishes for good luck... and at the end of the reception, all guests must leave with a bag of almonds covered in chocolate, which sounds good, but each guest must leave with an odd number of candies. What is THAT about?

In the 18th and 19th centuries, the irish believed that if the sun shone on the bride it would bring good luck to the couple. On the morning of the wedding, it was also good luck to see three magpies, and to hear a cuckoo bird. Does that mean all the irish brides ran around on the morning of their wedding trying to find three damn magpies and an annoying bird? Well whether they find them or not, irish men were known for having cold feet on their wedding day. Once the bride and groom were in the church, the guests would lock the door to keep the groom inside so he couldn't run away. Promising start to a marriage.

I'm marrying into polish heritage, where instead of getting the usual rice thrown at you as you exit the church, you get oats and barley pelted at you. Good luck, I suppose. A popular polish tradition during the reception is the "unveiling". Guests link arms and form a circle around the bride, and her mother takes the bride's veil off (because she's coming into womanhood) and she'll place it on the head of the maid of honor, who will then waltz with the best man. The maid of honor then passes the veil to the next bridesmaid in line, who dances with the next groomsman, and so on. This is the bride's way of offering good fortune to her maids for when they eventually get hitched. Polish families also do something called the "dollar dance". Men and women form two lines and pay a dollar each to dance with the bride or groom, pinning the money to their clothes. Traditionally, it was a way to help the couple set up house and begin their life together. These days, it's used as honeymoon spending money.

And, of course, there's the old standard tradition, "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue". These are all good luck charms. Something old = continuity. Something new = optimism for the future. Something borrowed = borrowed happines. Something blue = purity, love, fidelity. Along with these things, the bride is to wear a sixpence in her shoe for good fortune.

One last thing I'd like to comment on, and then I swear I'm done. I've found that these pesky "evil spirits" are out to ruin your special day, one way or another. The white aisle runner used in church ceremonies is to ward off evil spirits who might be lurking in the ground. Back in the day, brides were actually carried to their wedding, just to be extra careful. The same thing applies when leaving the ceremony. You know the cans that some people tie to the back of the newlyweds car? The noise they create frightens away evil spirits. But your work is still not done - you HAVE to be careful when entering your new home. Evil spirits actually hang out there at the threshold, waiting for you to walk through so they can jump into your feet and enter your body. Sounds a little kooky to me.

If you're still reading this blog, you get two thumbs up from me. You also get a whole bunch of knowledge that you probably didn't care too much about, unless you are getting married as well, and even then you probably didn't care.

To my friends who read this at work because they didn't have anything better to do, rock on.

P.S. Work Time Fun is awesome. The end.