Mama said there'd be days like this..........

Sweet holy moses, where do I start.

We’ll start at 6 am, when I was awoken by the sound of some commotion taking place in the living room. It was just my dad getting ready for work, but it still woke me out of a sound sleep. Of course, I can’t fall back asleep, so I get out of bed and remind him that I don’t have to be up for another hour, and although my hearing is now very bad, I haven’t been declared legally deaf yet, so please keep it down to a dull roar. Much appreciated.

Since I was up disgustingly early, I decide to get ready for work and leave my house earlier than usual. Apparantly everyone else had the same idea, and I get trapped in this "Traffic Hell" that I can’t seem to escape from. So I’m doing about 2 miles per hour on a one lane road (the same road where the guy almost killed me and ran off with my cell phone - anybody remember that?) and this woman in an SUV decides she wants to go around me on the shoulder and make her own lane. She is trying so carefully not to hit my car, but there is no way in HELL this stupid bitch is going to get around me and create havoc for all the cars in front of me as well. I am just not going to let that happen.

So I beep at her. Her driver’s side door is practically IN my passenger seat, and I am beeping at her. She will not look at me. I am staring her down. And I am laying on the horn. Since she’s practically sitting in my car, I can see the look on her face - she’s scared. She’s scared that I am going to throw a brick through her window. Somehow, she knows me all too well. But I decide against the brick throwing option, and realize I must get her attention in another way. I roll down my passenger window. Her eyes glance over and notice my window going down. This bitch is seriously shaking in her boots.

I start hollering, "Hey! HEY! Bitch! This isn’t a fucking lane, bitch!" She finally looks directly at me. She points to a road up ahead where she would like to make a right. Oh that’s nice, I think to myself. She’s going to create her own "turn" lane and hit a bunch of cars in the process. Eventually she gets to where she wants to go, but she certainly didn’t get there any faster AND she raised my blood pressure higher than necessary. Basically, I spent an hour in the car this morning trying to get to work, which is 7 miles away. BULLSHIT.

Then I get to work, only to find that my esteemed coworkers and peers have an "issue" with me. It’s great to see that my supposed "role models" have no qualms about talking shit on me and figuring it won’t get back to me. Get a clue, bitches: When you speak loud enough, someone will hear it. It always gets back to me. Always. I would think that two-faced chicks would learn this by now.

And P.S.: If you’re gonna talk shit, at least have something worth talking about. Elliott Spitzers call girl is my best friend. I’m casually dating Kevin Federline. I have a home in the Bahamas that I frequent every weekend. And when I’m not working at this 9-5 hellhole, I’m a stripper at Cheerleaders. I’ve had 7 boob jobs and I’m renting Neverland Ranch for my birthday party in June. There you go, bitches... chew on that for a while.

And no, you can’t have my autograph.

To end the fantasticness of the day, I went to Friendly’s with my mom. They had a clown there who was making balloon hats for the little kids. My mom suddenly shouted, "I WANT A BALLOON HAT!" Then she looked at me and said, "If I wore a balloon hat.... would you still be my friend?"

Moms always know how to fix a bad day.