Putting the "Fun" in "Funeral".

So today I went to the funeral of my mother's Aunt Nancy. I didn't really know her, the last time I saw her I was about 13 or 14. She led a great life, and she lived to be 79. My second cousin is a priest, and he officiated the funeral. We sang the Ave Maria. I hate the Ave Maria. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful song... I just can't stand it. It's way too depressing for my taste.

I just want to say that funerals really suck. My great Aunt Nancy's family decided that they would have a viewing, which is probably the worst thing you can do to someone. Why would you want your closest friends and family to look at you after you've died? Everyone knows you're gonna look like crap. No amount of makeup can change the fact that you DO NOT look the same as you did when you were alive. So I've made the first definitive decision regarding my OWN funeral. NO VIEWING. Instead, put up some pictures of me looking absolutely fabulous. And then my friends and family can come through and say, "Wow, she looked absolutely fabulous." I have some pictures on standby, ready to be photoshopped just for the occasion.

Next decision: No churches. If my funeral was held at a church, half of my friends wouldn't be able to come because they would be struck by lightening when walking through the door. I've decided I want my funeral to take place at Phoenix Lanes Bowling Alley. That way, my friends and family can all gather in a place where I always had a great time. Everyone can get drunk and bowl, and it will be a marvelous time. I think that instead of mourning the loss of someone, you should actually celebrate that persons life by doing something they would have enjoyed. Like drinking and bowling... two of my favorite pasttimes.

So, here's how my funeral is looking: Everyone meets at Phoenix Lanes, views pictures of me looking absolutely fabulous, and then my second cousin Father George will bless the lanes that everyone is bowling on. But not with holy water, because that will make the lanes slippery and no one will get strikes. After the lanes are blessed, everyone will go to the bar in the bowling alley and get smashed. It will be a drunken bowling hootananny. Just the way I like it!

And if you simply MUST hear the Ave Maria, ask the DJ at the bowling alley to play a techno remix version.

Of course, if I live to be 99, or something like that, Phoenix Lanes might not still be standing.... I'm banking on the fact that it will still be there.

I hope everyone's week is going better than mine!

Mama said there'd be days like this..........

Sweet holy moses, where do I start.

We’ll start at 6 am, when I was awoken by the sound of some commotion taking place in the living room. It was just my dad getting ready for work, but it still woke me out of a sound sleep. Of course, I can’t fall back asleep, so I get out of bed and remind him that I don’t have to be up for another hour, and although my hearing is now very bad, I haven’t been declared legally deaf yet, so please keep it down to a dull roar. Much appreciated.

Since I was up disgustingly early, I decide to get ready for work and leave my house earlier than usual. Apparantly everyone else had the same idea, and I get trapped in this "Traffic Hell" that I can’t seem to escape from. So I’m doing about 2 miles per hour on a one lane road (the same road where the guy almost killed me and ran off with my cell phone - anybody remember that?) and this woman in an SUV decides she wants to go around me on the shoulder and make her own lane. She is trying so carefully not to hit my car, but there is no way in HELL this stupid bitch is going to get around me and create havoc for all the cars in front of me as well. I am just not going to let that happen.

So I beep at her. Her driver’s side door is practically IN my passenger seat, and I am beeping at her. She will not look at me. I am staring her down. And I am laying on the horn. Since she’s practically sitting in my car, I can see the look on her face - she’s scared. She’s scared that I am going to throw a brick through her window. Somehow, she knows me all too well. But I decide against the brick throwing option, and realize I must get her attention in another way. I roll down my passenger window. Her eyes glance over and notice my window going down. This bitch is seriously shaking in her boots.

I start hollering, "Hey! HEY! Bitch! This isn’t a fucking lane, bitch!" She finally looks directly at me. She points to a road up ahead where she would like to make a right. Oh that’s nice, I think to myself. She’s going to create her own "turn" lane and hit a bunch of cars in the process. Eventually she gets to where she wants to go, but she certainly didn’t get there any faster AND she raised my blood pressure higher than necessary. Basically, I spent an hour in the car this morning trying to get to work, which is 7 miles away. BULLSHIT.

Then I get to work, only to find that my esteemed coworkers and peers have an "issue" with me. It’s great to see that my supposed "role models" have no qualms about talking shit on me and figuring it won’t get back to me. Get a clue, bitches: When you speak loud enough, someone will hear it. It always gets back to me. Always. I would think that two-faced chicks would learn this by now.

And P.S.: If you’re gonna talk shit, at least have something worth talking about. Elliott Spitzers call girl is my best friend. I’m casually dating Kevin Federline. I have a home in the Bahamas that I frequent every weekend. And when I’m not working at this 9-5 hellhole, I’m a stripper at Cheerleaders. I’ve had 7 boob jobs and I’m renting Neverland Ranch for my birthday party in June. There you go, bitches... chew on that for a while.

And no, you can’t have my autograph.

To end the fantasticness of the day, I went to Friendly’s with my mom. They had a clown there who was making balloon hats for the little kids. My mom suddenly shouted, "I WANT A BALLOON HAT!" Then she looked at me and said, "If I wore a balloon hat.... would you still be my friend?"

Moms always know how to fix a bad day.