Why does this always happen to me?

So yesterday morning, I woke up bright and early to drive my mom to work since she doesn't have a vehicle right now. We hop in the car and I flip on my Sirius Satellite Radio so I can hear some jams to get me going and wake me up. I turn on my favorite station, The Beat, which features today's best dance/techno/breakbeat music. But instead of hearing one of my favorite songs, or one of my favorite DJ's announcing the latest news in electronic music, I hear a mediocre song that I don't recognize, followed by a DJ that I've never heard before. As it would turn out, Sirius and XM have finally merged, and they got rid of half of the channels from each company. So now, instead of my favorite Sirius channel, The Beat, I now get XM's similar electronic music station, BPM. They also did away with a few of my other favorite stations.

I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I am upset by this. Why is it that all of my favorite things always get discontinued? This always happens to me! As soon as I find something that I thoroughly enjoy, be it a radio station, a drink, or a delicious breakfast sandwich, it always ends up being ripped away from my clutches.

Case in point: Back in the day, I used to dye my hair all different colors, but orange was always my favorite. I had this great color, called Agent Orange, and it was fantastic. It looked excellent on me. And then, one fateful day, it was no longer on the shelves. It had been discontinued. Sure, there were plenty of other colors to choose from, but none quite like that one. I am still mourning the loss of Agent Orange.

Another great example is my favorite unsweetened ice tea. It was the Giant brand, and it was, by far, the most delicious drink to ever hit my lips. Everytime I went to the store, I would buy every carton they had. The one day, I arrived at the store to find that there were no cartons on the shelf. I asked the stock boy when he expected to get some in, and that's when I got the horrible news: It had been discontinued. Sure, they had plenty of sweet tea, and green tea, and even raspberry flavored ice tea, but no unsweetened ice tea. It was a terrible day, and even thinking about it now is upsetting.

And how about the Nintendo Gamecube? I recently pulled my Gamecube out of it's box to hook it back up for some Mario-type entertainment. I thought maybe I'd stroll through Best Buy and pick a new game for it. So I get to Best Buy, walk through the entire video game section, only to find that there is not one Gamecube game to be had. Upon further investigation, I have learned that they no longer make games for the Gamecube, it's now been replaced by this Nintendo Wii thing. What about ME? What about my Gamecube? I don't care if it's an outdated system, it's still my system and I love it, and if I wanna play games on it then I should be able to do so! DAMNIT!

What will be next? I'm afraid to find out. If they ever discontinue Coca Cola, I might as well just dig and hole and crawl in it because that's a world that I do NOT want to live in.

That's my rant for the day.

Epiphany

I just wanted to say this.

Epiphany: noun. The sudden realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something.

Have you ever had an epiphany? The feeling is amazing. It's not something you schedule, it's not something you see coming. It just sort of happens. It's quite the experience, and coming to a realization can be life changing.

I'm a very happy camper today. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's hard to describe.... but I am truly happy. The sunshine on my face is amazing, and I'm so glad to have it back.

Now if I could just get rid of this ridiculous cold....

The Pumpkin Patch Incident.

I haven't blogged in a while. I figured it was about time to get back on the horse.

I know I'm more than a little late with this, but I hope everyone had a great summer. Mine was pretty nifty. I took a few nice, relaxing, vacations, caught up with some old friends, made a few new ones. I didn't do a whole lot of working.... it's been really nice.

With that being said, I'm totally diggin' fall.... cooler weather, the holiday season coming up....something about fall just makes me all warm inside. And no, that's not the eggnog talking.

We recently put up some Halloween decorations here at the house, and while I was putting together my magnificent lite-up Wolfman that now sits on my front lawn, my mom and I were reminiscing about Halloweens past, and she told me a story about what she calls "The Pumpkin Patch Incident".

Apparantly I was pretty young, around 5 or 6, and my parents took me to Merrymead Farm to pick out my Halloween pumpkin. What they do there is take little kids on a hayride through the back of the farm, which ultimately ends in a pumpkin patch where kids can pick out their own pumpkin. The parents stay behind and hang out inside the gift shop and sip hot cider, or buy fresh milk, or pet cows, or whatever the hell they wanna do while their kid is gone for a few minutes. The hayride then brings the kids back to their parents, everybody is happy, and then we hold hands and skip all the way home. The only problem is, I didn't come back on my wagon. My mom figured, "Oh, I suppose she'll be in on the next one". Well the next one came and went, as did a third wagon, and still no little Gretchen. She started freaking out. "Where is my daughter?!?! She's lost in the pumpkin patch! Someone stole her!!! She's probably dead!!" My mom is awesome at making a scene.

So finally, in comes the final wagon of the night, and of course I'm on it. I just wanted to make sure I picked the BEST possible pumpkin for daddy to help me carve! What the hell is the big deal?! It takes time and precision to pick out the perfect Halloween pumpkin, I thought everybody knew that! What the SHIT?!?!?!

So, as my mother is telling me this story, she is now screaming at me like this just happened yesterday. "Why did you scare me like that?! Why didn't you stay with your group? You knew we were waiting for you, what took you so long?"

"What took me so long? What.... TOOK me so long?!?! I'll tell ya what took me so long! I was picking out the perfect pumpkin for my Halloween festivities! It had to be the perfect roundness and just the right height! A lot of kids spend too much time in the pumpkin patch! Shit, some are even born there! Oh wait... I'm thinking of the Cabbage Patch Kids... nevermind. Anyway, stop yelling at me YOU CRAZY WOMAN!!!"

Uggghh... it's funny how a little conversation like that can turn into a super stressful evening. Welcome to my world!

Be careful carving your pumpkins this year! Fingers are pretty important to have, please try and keep them all. Thanks bunches.

Putting the "Fun" in "Funeral".

So today I went to the funeral of my mother's Aunt Nancy. I didn't really know her, the last time I saw her I was about 13 or 14. She led a great life, and she lived to be 79. My second cousin is a priest, and he officiated the funeral. We sang the Ave Maria. I hate the Ave Maria. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful song... I just can't stand it. It's way too depressing for my taste.

I just want to say that funerals really suck. My great Aunt Nancy's family decided that they would have a viewing, which is probably the worst thing you can do to someone. Why would you want your closest friends and family to look at you after you've died? Everyone knows you're gonna look like crap. No amount of makeup can change the fact that you DO NOT look the same as you did when you were alive. So I've made the first definitive decision regarding my OWN funeral. NO VIEWING. Instead, put up some pictures of me looking absolutely fabulous. And then my friends and family can come through and say, "Wow, she looked absolutely fabulous." I have some pictures on standby, ready to be photoshopped just for the occasion.

Next decision: No churches. If my funeral was held at a church, half of my friends wouldn't be able to come because they would be struck by lightening when walking through the door. I've decided I want my funeral to take place at Phoenix Lanes Bowling Alley. That way, my friends and family can all gather in a place where I always had a great time. Everyone can get drunk and bowl, and it will be a marvelous time. I think that instead of mourning the loss of someone, you should actually celebrate that persons life by doing something they would have enjoyed. Like drinking and bowling... two of my favorite pasttimes.

So, here's how my funeral is looking: Everyone meets at Phoenix Lanes, views pictures of me looking absolutely fabulous, and then my second cousin Father George will bless the lanes that everyone is bowling on. But not with holy water, because that will make the lanes slippery and no one will get strikes. After the lanes are blessed, everyone will go to the bar in the bowling alley and get smashed. It will be a drunken bowling hootananny. Just the way I like it!

And if you simply MUST hear the Ave Maria, ask the DJ at the bowling alley to play a techno remix version.

Of course, if I live to be 99, or something like that, Phoenix Lanes might not still be standing.... I'm banking on the fact that it will still be there.

I hope everyone's week is going better than mine!

Mama said there'd be days like this..........

Sweet holy moses, where do I start.

We’ll start at 6 am, when I was awoken by the sound of some commotion taking place in the living room. It was just my dad getting ready for work, but it still woke me out of a sound sleep. Of course, I can’t fall back asleep, so I get out of bed and remind him that I don’t have to be up for another hour, and although my hearing is now very bad, I haven’t been declared legally deaf yet, so please keep it down to a dull roar. Much appreciated.

Since I was up disgustingly early, I decide to get ready for work and leave my house earlier than usual. Apparantly everyone else had the same idea, and I get trapped in this "Traffic Hell" that I can’t seem to escape from. So I’m doing about 2 miles per hour on a one lane road (the same road where the guy almost killed me and ran off with my cell phone - anybody remember that?) and this woman in an SUV decides she wants to go around me on the shoulder and make her own lane. She is trying so carefully not to hit my car, but there is no way in HELL this stupid bitch is going to get around me and create havoc for all the cars in front of me as well. I am just not going to let that happen.

So I beep at her. Her driver’s side door is practically IN my passenger seat, and I am beeping at her. She will not look at me. I am staring her down. And I am laying on the horn. Since she’s practically sitting in my car, I can see the look on her face - she’s scared. She’s scared that I am going to throw a brick through her window. Somehow, she knows me all too well. But I decide against the brick throwing option, and realize I must get her attention in another way. I roll down my passenger window. Her eyes glance over and notice my window going down. This bitch is seriously shaking in her boots.

I start hollering, "Hey! HEY! Bitch! This isn’t a fucking lane, bitch!" She finally looks directly at me. She points to a road up ahead where she would like to make a right. Oh that’s nice, I think to myself. She’s going to create her own "turn" lane and hit a bunch of cars in the process. Eventually she gets to where she wants to go, but she certainly didn’t get there any faster AND she raised my blood pressure higher than necessary. Basically, I spent an hour in the car this morning trying to get to work, which is 7 miles away. BULLSHIT.

Then I get to work, only to find that my esteemed coworkers and peers have an "issue" with me. It’s great to see that my supposed "role models" have no qualms about talking shit on me and figuring it won’t get back to me. Get a clue, bitches: When you speak loud enough, someone will hear it. It always gets back to me. Always. I would think that two-faced chicks would learn this by now.

And P.S.: If you’re gonna talk shit, at least have something worth talking about. Elliott Spitzers call girl is my best friend. I’m casually dating Kevin Federline. I have a home in the Bahamas that I frequent every weekend. And when I’m not working at this 9-5 hellhole, I’m a stripper at Cheerleaders. I’ve had 7 boob jobs and I’m renting Neverland Ranch for my birthday party in June. There you go, bitches... chew on that for a while.

And no, you can’t have my autograph.

To end the fantasticness of the day, I went to Friendly’s with my mom. They had a clown there who was making balloon hats for the little kids. My mom suddenly shouted, "I WANT A BALLOON HAT!" Then she looked at me and said, "If I wore a balloon hat.... would you still be my friend?"

Moms always know how to fix a bad day.

My So Called Mid Life Crisis.

Have you ever wanted to just drive, until you were tired of driving? On Tuesday I was on my way to work, when I thought to myself, "What if I didn’t get off at my exit? What if I just drove right past it?" Eventually I would end up in Philly, but once I was there, what would I do? Walk down South Street? Sit in Love Park all day, by myself?

Then on Wednesday, I almost broke the sound barrier trying to get to West Chester for a nine o clock meeting. I passed three cops, but miraculously none of them pulled me over. I flew right by a brand new Ford Mustang who was also moving pretty quickly, the driver of which looked at me as if I had absolutely no business driving that fast. Which, of course, I didn’t.

This leads me to ponder: Is this what I was meant to do? Is there something better suited for me out there somewhere that I just haven’t found yet? I tend to believe there is. How do I find it? Should I just keep waiting for it to come to ME? What in God’s name is it?!?!?! I’m getting fed up with the mundaneness that has become a daily routine. How much longer can I live in this rat race? And if I’m having a mid life crisis, does that mean I’m only going to live to be 50? If so, that kinda sucks, because I think I have more than 25 years left in this body of mine.

I really had hoped that 2008 would be a stellar year. So far, it hasn’t been so bad for me.... but sickness, tragedy, and even death have hit some people very close to me. I’ve done my best to try and be there for every single person that’s needed me, but it also leads me to wonder when the extremely bad luck will impose itself of my life. I really hope it’s no time soon, and if you’ll excuse me, I now have to go find the biggest piece of wood on the planet and knock on it.

In the meantime, I have a less stressful dilemma. I recently welcomed a new kitty into my home. I don’t quite know how it happened, I just woke up one morning and I found her in my dining room, much to the dismay of my father who only days earlier laid down a "no more cats, ever" law. So you can imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon the sleeping furball, whom my mother just, "Had to adopt"... whatever. Anyway, she needs a name, and I’m asking you, my friends, to take a look at this picture and give me some ideas. Right now we’re calling her Ichthyosaurus Fluffbucket, because she’s a bucket of fluff that eats plants. It just doesn’t seem like a nice name for a cat. It’s definetly suitable, but it’s certainly not cute. Any help in this matter would be greatly appreciated. And if you give me some stupid shit like "Cutie Pie" or "Kitty Kat" you’re getting punched in the face. Just a heads up.

Friends, just a reminder that I love you all dearly. I thank the Lord there’s people out there like you!

How do YOU measure a year?

I know, I know. 500, 25 thousand, 600 minutes. I know all that already. But really, how DO you measure a year? Is it how successful you were? Is it how much money you made? Is it keeping your "status" in tact with friends and family? Is it how you carried yourself throughout the year? Is is anything that matters?

I know it sounds corny and cliche, but.... how about love? I mean, really?

My hope for 2008 is for us to love each other a little bit better. Maybe we should try to pay a little more attention to each other. Maybe we should take the time to stop and smell the roses. Let's appreciate life a little bit more. Is that too much to ask?

Today I read every blog I've posted here. My first blog was in January of 2006. It's baffling what 2 years can do for you, how much can change in that length of time.

2007 kicked my ass. I have nothing but high hopes for 2008, and I'm entering this year with a positive outlook. Let's put on our party shoes and boogie down.

With that being said, I wish all of my friends a happy and healthy new year. I love you all to pieces. I mean it!

I ask you to remember that tomorrow is not promised. R.I.P. Aimee Gumpper 7/87 - 1/08.