Putting the "Fun" in "Funeral".

So today I went to the funeral of my mother's Aunt Nancy. I didn't really know her, the last time I saw her I was about 13 or 14. She led a great life, and she lived to be 79. My second cousin is a priest, and he officiated the funeral. We sang the Ave Maria. I hate the Ave Maria. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful song... I just can't stand it. It's way too depressing for my taste.

I just want to say that funerals really suck. My great Aunt Nancy's family decided that they would have a viewing, which is probably the worst thing you can do to someone. Why would you want your closest friends and family to look at you after you've died? Everyone knows you're gonna look like crap. No amount of makeup can change the fact that you DO NOT look the same as you did when you were alive. So I've made the first definitive decision regarding my OWN funeral. NO VIEWING. Instead, put up some pictures of me looking absolutely fabulous. And then my friends and family can come through and say, "Wow, she looked absolutely fabulous." I have some pictures on standby, ready to be photoshopped just for the occasion.

Next decision: No churches. If my funeral was held at a church, half of my friends wouldn't be able to come because they would be struck by lightening when walking through the door. I've decided I want my funeral to take place at Phoenix Lanes Bowling Alley. That way, my friends and family can all gather in a place where I always had a great time. Everyone can get drunk and bowl, and it will be a marvelous time. I think that instead of mourning the loss of someone, you should actually celebrate that persons life by doing something they would have enjoyed. Like drinking and bowling... two of my favorite pasttimes.

So, here's how my funeral is looking: Everyone meets at Phoenix Lanes, views pictures of me looking absolutely fabulous, and then my second cousin Father George will bless the lanes that everyone is bowling on. But not with holy water, because that will make the lanes slippery and no one will get strikes. After the lanes are blessed, everyone will go to the bar in the bowling alley and get smashed. It will be a drunken bowling hootananny. Just the way I like it!

And if you simply MUST hear the Ave Maria, ask the DJ at the bowling alley to play a techno remix version.

Of course, if I live to be 99, or something like that, Phoenix Lanes might not still be standing.... I'm banking on the fact that it will still be there.

I hope everyone's week is going better than mine!