I don't get no respect!

Do you think if I dyed my hair brown, people would stop treating me like a brainless blonde bimbo? That's the question of the day.

I've never been one to say things like that, but sometimes I guess certain things just have to be said. Now, I am in no way, shape, or form attempting to associate myself with the likes of actual brainless blonde bimbos (such as the "Girls Next Door"). I have never once claimed to be a sexy supermodel with the IQ of a peanut, and I would appreciate it if you didn't lump me into this horrendous category.

All I'm trying to say is that I'm not a total jackass. Don't treat me like one. I'm not going to get on a soapbox and use the old, "I graduated from a great college, I've acheived this or that in my career" bullshit. I'm simply saying that I'm not a fucking moron. So don't treat me like one or you'll get punched in the face. Not slapped, punched. Only bitches slap.

love,
me

Albinos, Albanians, and You: 10 Things I've Learned This Summer.

My friends,With summer all-to-quickly coming to end, I thought I'd share some things with you.
These are the top 10 things I've learned this summer, in no particular order.
1. Don't go on a date with someone who doesn't speak english. It's difficult.
2. Don't believe someone just because they are supposed to be an "expert" on something. Do your own research and form your own opinions. (That goes out to YOU, Sirius Satellite Radio staff!)
3. Don't take your cell phone in the bathtub with you. Cell phone + water = a very bad experience.
4. Shit happens, deal with it. Chances are, that shit happened for a reason, and if you don't move on, you'll never know what that reason is.
5. Don't do 71 mph in a 55 mph zone. You WILL get pulled over.
6. Don't forget to wear sunscreen. And if your fair skinned, use SPF 260, or else you'll burst into flames when sitting on the beach.
7. Kanye West has no skills as a lyricist.
8. Don't drive your car into things. Curbs are there for a reason.
9. Don't go to the bar with your parents. You could get wasted and end up dropping the F bomb in front of your mom.
10. If you give someone of the opposite sex your phone number and they don't call you, don't waste time wondering why they didn't call. They're just not that into you. Or maybe they just don't speak english....

I hope everyone had a great summer. Fall, here we come!

Hellish.

Have you ever had one of those days? You know, where you REALLY should not have gotten out of bed that morning?

Hello, July 26, 2007. I will try to be brief.

My sunroof that I just had installed in my car 3 days ago has fallen in. So, I take the car back to Hyundai, only to hear that they do not have a rental car for me. A 900 year old man will now drive me in a shuttle back to my office. When the car is ready, I have Mika and Travis take me from my office to Hyundai to pick up my car, because I do not want to bother the 900 year old man again.

I pick up my car, everything is great. I am driving home from Hyundai, when I witness a car accident take place 3 cars in front of me. Of course, no one else stops, so I decide to be the responsible one and pull over. The cops arrive and I am the "expert witness", and we all know how much I love to talk to cops. I give them my account of what happened, and they let me go. Thankfully.

So then I get home and jump online. I'm expecting a nice quiet evening at home. All is going well, until my mom screams, "Something is on fire!"So much for my relaxing evening.

So I run outside, because she is looking out the window and screaming about the backyard. As it would turn out, the transformer that is in my backyard is on fire. In about a matter of 3 seconds, my entire neighborhood has lost power. By the time I have realized the gravity of the situation, the fire department is there, but they are not putting out the fire. They are standing in my neighbors backyard hanging out, drinking beers. Pointing and staring. Eventually one guy decides to put out the fire, and they put a new transformer in, which takes a grand total of 3 hours.

Basically, today sucked and I really hope tomorrow is better.

My letter to July.

Dear July,

I understand you will be coming to visit me soon. I have mixed feelings about this, because your friend June is currently here, and let me tell you, she has NOT been pleasant. I might even go so far as to say she is quite possibly the worst house guest I've ever had. A lot of crappy things have occured since June got here, including, but not limited to:

-I got a temperature of one million and three degrees.
-I had to run 20 miles per hour to catch a train that was about to leave me behind. Twice.
-I had the pleasure of having my job suck all the joy from my life.
-I went crazy.
-I had to be away from family and friends on my birthday.
-I destroyed my bedroom in a fit of rage.
-I had to help a stupid bitch plan her April 26, 2008 wedding.
-The migraine from Hell infiltrated my life, and hasn't left yet....
-My mom accidentally sprayed me with mase.

July, these are just a FEW of the shitty things that have happened to me since June's arrival. And she's still here! Oh man, I cannot WAIT for her to leave.

I'm hoping we can have a better time than June and I did. You will be here for approximately 31 days, and I'm trying to plan some really great activities for us to do together. So please hurry, because if I have to look at June for another day I will stab myself in the eye.
Your friend,
g.
P.S. Don't forget to bring your bathing suit!

Make Lemonade.

Look, I know I just blogged less than 24 hours ago. So sue me.

Life itself never ceases to amaze me. Last night I talked to God for over an hour before I realized he wasn't listening. I guess he had other more pressing issues to attend to, which is fine. I feel like I'm at the lunchmeat counter at Giant, and you have to take a number to be helped. Well, I've taken my number, and now I am waiting not-so-patiently for my help.

Or maybe He WAS listening, which is why I'm able to wiggle my fingers and toes today.

Either way, I woke up this morning. I walked outside and took and deep breath. It's a beautiful day. It's sunny and warm. Life is here. It's all around me.
There are butterflies in the front yard and squirrels in the backyard. I don't really like squirrels, though. One time they invaded my house and moved all of their squirrel belongings into my attic and tried to have a party. My dad chased them around with a beebee gun. I'm getting a little off topic here, sorry about that.

My point is that I am here. I was granted another day on this rotating ball we call Earth. I think sometimes we lose sight of the fact that tomorrow is not promised to us. So in the time that we are here, we should learn to make the best of our time. And when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

I think I'm going to write a book. It will be the "Autobiography of Gretchen". It probably won't be a bestseller, but who cares? Not everyone will want to read the story of my life, but I believe that once you pick up the book, you won't be able to put it down. I have seen many things and had many life experiences in the time that I've been around. And who knows how long I'm going to be around for? If I live to be 97, that equals 35,405 days of utter excitement. Cause let's face it; it's never a dull moment around here. Of course, it would not be published until after my death, so I wouldn't be able to see if anyone actually READ the book, but once again, who cares? No one could read it, for all I care. It would be own little accomplishment. And if you don't wanna read it, screw you. I probably talked trash about you in it anyway.

That's my thought for the day. I'm going to move my blog soon to an undisclosed location. If anyone actually reads my rantings, let me know, I'll give you the link.

Trudge forward, earthlings!

Top 10 reasons to move to Egypt.

1. The Nile. A beautiful river.
2. The pyramids. Providing lots of places for Gretchen to get lost.
3. That crazy walk those Egyptians got goin' on. I heard someone even wrote a song about it!
4. Sahara freakin' desert. Sure it's hot, but so is Pennsylvania.... right?
5. Hieroglyphics. It's always fun learning a new language!

I couldn't think of ten reasons.... so I just included five. Ahhh, fuck it.

Th-th-th-that's all, folks!

Hello little girl, is your mother in?

Sometimes things happen to me that are a little out of the ordinary, and I wish that there was someone to witness the madness as it occurs. But once again, in this case, there were no witnesses.

Last weekend I heard a knock on my front door. My parents were upstairs and didn't hear it, so I went into the living room and looked out the window. Usually it's a random friend of mine who doesn't know how to use a cell phone and decides to just stop by, which is fine. But this time I didn't recognize the car, but I opened the door anyway.

It turned out to be a guy who was dropping some papers off for my parents, which is a pretty normal scenario. He said, "Hello miss, are Mr. or Mrs. Hunsberger in?" Now, my parents REALLY don't like to be bothered with such things, and talking to people in the outside world is not my mothers strong suit, so I said, "No, unfortunately they are not." (There were like,7 cars in my driveway at the time, so of course he didn't believe me, and I didn't really expect him to). So he says, "Oh, are you their daughter?" I stated that I was indeed their daughter. He looked at me with despair on his face, like he really was distraught about something. So he thinks for a minute, and then finally, he says, "Well, I suppose I can leave these papers with you... but I can only leave them with an adult." So he looks at me with a look that you would give a little girl who is about to receive a very important task, such as feeding the doggy. And he says to me, in an I'm-speaking-to-a-5-year-old voice, "Are you at least 18?"

I guess it just kinda took my by surprise. I was so surprised, in fact, that I started laughing hysterically. Right in his face. I managed to stutter, "I'm 24...." and he just looked at me like I couldn't POSSIBLY be telling him the truth. Now I know I don't quite look my age, and I am only 5'2'.... but still, 18? He wasn't even sure if I was 18! I could see MAYBE if he had said it in such a way as to verify that I was "a legal adult", but that was not the way he said it. He honestly did not know if I was 18 or not. It's not like I came to the door holding a Polly Pocket toy and wearing a Burger King Kid's Meal hat with a lollipop hanging outta my mouth. I was wearing my 24 year old clothes and speaking in my big girl voice.

So anyway, I obviously embarrased him and he handed me the papers and drove away. It was a great time, and it was the highlight of my day. Just thought I would share that story since my 25th birthday is almost upon us.... hey, let's get together and celebrate!